"A Carpenter Christmas Romance"

Maybe it's me.  Finding a decent holiday romance movie this year has been seemingly impossible.  "A Carpenter Christmas Romance" is not it.  Snarky Sasha Pieterse and her visually interesting co-lead with a slightly slushy delivery, Mitchell Slaggert, play characters in deep need of anti-depressants.  The chemistry between them has minor sizzle but no real sparks.  Most of the dialog is delivered with a "just don't have the energy to make this happen" vibe.  The red meat story of a town ravaged by fire and an ex-military guy helping out the homeless didn't appeal.  Halfway through I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed.  Still looking.  Suggestions welcome.

"The Merry Gentlemen"

Talented actors and Chad Michael Murray's surreal abs can't save this holiday movie from being the epitome of every so-so Christmas movie ever.  The meet-cutes, the tropes, they are all there.  Admittedly, there is some awesome choreography but it wasn't enough.  I was checking my email half an hour in.  Love Britt Robertson but not the best project I've seen her in.  Blah blah blah.  Next ... 

"Agatha All Along"

For one of the endless Marvel spinoffs, this wasn't bad, although this one episode-a-week thing really brings down the enjoyment factor.  An incredibly high-end cast and a very neat premise, along with more than a few twists I really didn't see coming, made this a fun go-to.  In some ways it was a great show which could have gone maybe an inch or two more and been spectacular.  A follow-up to "WandaVision" (which ~was~ spectacular), it opened in a way which is both very funny and a terrific homage to the previous show.  It takes a turn, and then, after we settle into the concept, takes more turns.  There are life lessons, reflections, and a lot of learning.  I'm not saying that Agatha finds redemption in the sense of becoming a good person but I appreciate that the creators let her be ... complicated.  Kathryn Hahn is perfect for the role, bringing every sigh, look and verbal intonation one could imagine.  Her performance is so deep she is like a bottomless well.  The only downside is (spoiler alert) an amazing supporting cast which -- sadly -- don't make it through all the episodes.  Totally worth the eight episodes.

No, "Die Hard" is not a Christmas movie

Yes, "Die Hard" takes place at Christmas.  But, unlike "Home Alone", I would argue that absolutely nothing in the plot or the actions would change if it were set, say, during the Fourth of July.  My argument (spoilers ahead):  John McClane travels to see his estranged wife, a rising star in an LA firm, just before the 4th of July.  He brings a really big teddy bear for his daughter (maybe it's her birthday).  He shows up at a staff party and everything goes wrong.  He uses his cop instincts to fight back against the terrorists/thieves.  After he kills the first one, he sends the guy down the elevator in red-white-and blue hat with "God Bless America" written on the guy's shirt.  Throughout, various people hum patriotic country songs.  NOTHING else changes.  The response of the cops (who probably think the gunfire is fireworks), the ulterior motive of the bad guys, the way McClane takes each one down and figures out what's going to happen.  In other words, the fact that it is Christmas has almost nothing to do with what happens or how it happens.  That being said, it's a good film.  Bruce Willis gives his patented funny, grounded, fairly real guy in the middle of extraordinary circumstances thing.  The combination of terrorism/robbery and a kind of riff on "The Towering Inferno" makes the tight film engaging.  Bonnie Bedelia and the whole cast (particularly Reginal VelJohnson, Alan Rickman and De'voreaux White) round out a strong group of actors you want to watch.  And the leading lady isn't a size 0 Barbie girl.  See, women looked like women in films in the 80s!  It's an engaging action film.  But it's not a Christmas tale.  

"Cinderella" (2000)

I love a good Cinderella tale.  From Leslie Caron in the 1955 "The Glass Slipper" to Julie Andrews in the 1957 "Cinderella" TV special, I've been known to spend a day watching one Cinderella after another.  Which made this film ... painful.  Rarely have I seen such a simple story so badly mangled.  Set in the Middle Ages -- or 1920s -- or 1950s -- or 1970s??? it liberally steals from Shakespeare (Lear and R&J), "Beauty and the Beast", "Mary Poppins", "The Wild One", "Misery", the original Grimm tales and more.  It comes off like some weird acid-trip/film noir version of the tale with cheap porn music scoring.  Brilliant actors like Kathleen Turner and David Warner are awful.  She's fake and over-the-top, he's flat.  Not as flat as lead actor Marcella Plunket who, long before Botox, manages to spend nearly the entire film without making a single expression.  Prince Valiant (really) is just as lackluster.  He actually says "Girls aren't cool".  OMG, who wrote this tripe?  Oh, and Daddy never dies.  It's ... weird.  Kind of robs the lady of her raison d'etre, you know?  And don't get me started on what they do to the glass slipper part of the story.  The ball has all the subtley of the 1960s Batman TV show mixed with your average teen horror film.  In the end, the milquetoasts end up together, of course, but it reads more like "The Graduate" than "Happily Ever After".  Tomorrow I'm clearing my palette with "Slipper and the Rose" or "Cinderella" (1965) with Leslie Ann Warren.  I need to forever wipe this atrocity from my mind.