"Pitch Perfect" meets any given Disney show in this mash-up which ditches Rodgers and Hammerstein for a series of pop songs. Our Cinderella of the moment clomps around in some sort of equivalent to combat boots and dreams of working as a dress designer. She couldn't be less interested in love or, you know, the Prince. The songs mostly work. Des'ree's "You Gotta Be" fits perfectly, Billy Porter slays Earth, Wind and Fire's "Shining Star" and Queen's "Somebody to Love" is a showstopper. Throughout, the choreography (thank you Ashley Wallen) is outstanding. Unfortunately that's all there really is. The script is lame, the jokes don't land and the technicolor costumes look like something dreamt up after playing Candy Crush on an Ecstasy trip. The infamous dress (you know, "the" dress) doesn't fit Ms. Cabello well and throughout the ball I'm watching with discomfort to see if the petite actress pops out of the too-large bustier. None of the characters beyond Cinderella seem to have any motivation for what they do or why they do it. Idina Menzel's considerable talent is wasted as her evil stepmother is all over the place. Pierce Brosnan is so convincing as an awful person that his 5th act conversion is not believable and Minnie Driver's surprising singing gifts aren't revealed until the very end. She is left making unhappy looks and passive-aggressive comments for most of the film. When she finally gets a monologue to explain it all it's brilliant. And doesn't feel like it fits in this particular film.
There are so many things wrong with this production that it is hard to pinpoint one in particular. The attempt to modernize, feminize and humorize the whole thing generally doesn't work, with the exception of the one scene in which James Corden and his fellow mice explore their temporary humanity. Yes, there are talking mice. This is Disney, after all. The bottom line is this -- nearly every successful Cinderella film has two critical elements: Charm and Romance. This retelling has neither. Particularly at the end (which ends not as you might think). It's just a clutter of modern-day references which will age faster than milk on your countertop. Tweens may like it for five minutes but other than that, don't think this one is headed for the "best of" shelf.
